Saturday, August 30, 2008

Albert Einstein, Help Me!

I never was very good at physics, and these days being this pregnant is turning nearly every task into a whopper of a physics problem. Here are some of my daily quandaries.

Q: How do you hold a toddler on your lap and read her a book when you've got almost no lap left?

A: The solution involves a lot of pillows and some serious arm stretches. And requires a fairly patient toddler. You can guess which of these is hardest to come by.

Q: How do you pick up what you dropped?

A: Ah, yes. Well for starters, gravity is no longer my friend. Generally I squat, because Lord knows I can't bend over that far -- and at 5' 2" it's not that far, either! However, I have yet to figure out where to stand in relation to the object so it doesn't wind up either hidden under my belly so I can't see it to pick it up anyway, or just far enough away from me that even a serious arm stretch won't put it within reach. I'm sure this has a lot to do with the fact that my brain simply can't comprehend my size.

Q: How do you reach anything in the kitchen cupboards or even the kitchen faucet?

A: If it's higher than the second shelf, I can't. I could only reach higher than that by standing on tiptoe pre-pregnancy, and now I can't get close enough to the cabinet (unless we cut half-moons into our counter tops) for tiptoes to make a difference. Even to reach the lower shelves, I have to stand sideways. Same goes for the kitchen faucet.

Q: (And here's the biggie!) How in the world do you shave your legs?

A: The sheer physics of a large belly that virtually eliminates the possibility of bending combined with short arms and an inability to lift my legs within reach, plus the fact that I'm nearsighted so I pretty much shave by Braille, running my hand over my legs as I go -- it's enough to give Einstein himself a headache!

But, I think I have a solution to this problem, and it's a million dollar idea (patent pending). You saw it here first! Why doesn't Gillette or Schick or some manufacturer make a long-handled women's razor? Handy if you're way pregnant, if you're a Baby Boomer who just can't bend like you used to, if you have arthritis, back problems, long legs and short arms, or are just too lazy to bend way over.

There's money to be made on this idea people!

I'm working on a prototype that involves PVC pipe and duct tape. Not much to look at, but paint that bugger hot pink and people will buy them by the millions.


Anonymous said...

Haha... Why doesn't Jeff help you with your legs? And I think half moons in the counter are great ideas... have you called Virgil yet hehe! Kiss my baby for me!

Mary said...

I agree with Sarah- I know Jeff is really busy but who are you shaving the legs for anyway? You can't really see them can you? Also if you let it grow long enough it becomes soft and warm!
Come on Jeff try it just once.... This could be as close and intimate as you get with your wife these days-let me know how it goes!

Christy said...

I'm shaving my legs for me, because it is still shorts season and that stubble itches. Though you do have a point, if anyone's close enough to me to notice my leg hair -- they'd better be my doctor or massage therapist!

Also, did it occur to anyone that it's ME who doesn't want Jeff to shave my legs? I'd like to at least maintain my hygenic independence as long as possible!